Charts: the most time-honored way for nerds to make major life decisions.

The chart above, and the accompanying post on Wait But Why, is one of the most level-headed and human examinations of how we make “The Marriage Decision” I’ve seen in a long time. In particular, it emphasizes that perfection is nonexistent, and that long-term happiness is a matter of plotting the right elements of a relationship in the right places on that chart up there. And also acknowledging:

The key with [deal-breakers] is that there are very few. These aren’t wants—these are needs. Your wants are important, but remember, the only people even eligible for the deal-breaker test are those who have already passed the gut test—plenty of your wants have already been taken care of in step 1 of our system.

Knowing your deal-breakers can help you know the right relationship when you see it, but it can also go a long way for anyone already in a relationship, because it lends insight into one of the trickiest aspects of a relationship: compromise. A great way to be unhappy is to refuse to compromise on things you wish were true about your relationship that aren’t. But another great way to be unhappy is to be too willing to compromise on your deal-breakers. That’s why this is so important—deal-breakers not only help Deciders and single people figure out what should be unacceptable in a relationship, they also remind already-Decided people that most of the problems in their relationship are probably non-deal-breakers that it’s okay to chill out about. Because so many relationship problems boil down to one or both members treating non-deal-breakers like deal-breakers—or vice versa.

Though some might see this sort of examination as cold (the piece addresses that too), I find it to be something much more positive and constructive. Not so much cold as… calm. Accepting. Honest. So whether you’re in a relationship, already married, or looking for someone, it’s probably valuable to take honest stock of what goes where.

What are your real, honest, totally inflexible deal-breakers?

Which aspects are actually just nice to have (or not have to deal with) that you are more able to compromise on?

What else would go in this chart with your current (or ideal) relationship?

**note: this may not be a good one to do off-the-cuff over beers with your current significant other without at least some prior consideration. It’s your funeral.**